I embraced my grey hair decades before I was "supposed" to.
Here's my journey.
What age is it okay to let your hair go grey?
When I was a child, I had long, shiny dark brown hair, which morphed into a frizzy mess once I hit puberty.
I’m not sure when I saw my first grey hair. I just remember that by the age of 25, I was getting regular root touchups. Which I continued to do for the next 15 years.
Sometimes I had the funds to go to a salon. Other times, it was just me and a box of dye in the bathroom, which was something I dreaded but it wasn’t even in my realm of thought to let my “greys” grow in naturally.
Growing up, I rarely saw women with grey hair. Even my “nan” (grandma) colored her hair right up until her death at the age of 96. My mom still colors her hair and I don’t think she’ll ever stop.
When I was around 38, I started to have thoughts about letting my hair go completely natural, whatever combination of brown and grey that turned out to be.
I was so tired:
of the time and money that I was spending at the salon every 4 weeks. I honestly could have gone every 3 weeks!
of scheduling root touchups around important events.
of worrying that people could see my root re-growth if they were taller than me (common) or sitting behind me.
of the double standard. Why is it societally normal for men to not color their grey hair but women should, or else they’ve “let themselves go”.
But I wasn’t ready. My hair was too tied up with my identity and I needed time to embrace the idea of the transition. I was often complimented on my hair in public. Among one of my friend groups, I had the nickname “Pantene”. I was afraid to lose that.
But I was more afraid that people would think I was older than I was. Society has fed women the lie that grey hair = old. I knew this was something that I would have to re-learn on this journey.
How it Started
Fast forward a few years, and a few months after I turned 40, I decided to start the transition. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to simply let it grow out so I opted to progressively lighten the dark parts of my hair so that the regrowth wasn’t as noticeable.
I was prepared for the initial time and cost that would come with doing it this way, and motivated by reduced maintenance for the rest of my life.
Things started off well enough. I had my hairstylist that I’d been with for 10 years (this is important later) add some blond highlights all over. It was different but not a shock to the system. The date was March 3, 2020.
Well, not even a month later, we were in a pandemic and everything closed down. It was fine…it’s not like I was seeing anyone anyway!
The Disastrous Hair Appointment
At the beginning of June, I was able to have my second appointment. It did not go well.
After my stylist had done the bleaching, she put a grey toner on my hair (I wasn’t aware of this and assumed it was the same one that she had used at my previous appointment). Prior to the transition start, we had talked extensively about how I wasn’t ready to go grey.
I didn’t realize it until I got home as I had left the salon with my hair wet. She had been running behind and her next client was there so I offered to leave after my hair was washed. I didn’t think it would be a big deal but lesson learned…never leave a salon until your hair is dry and styled while undergoing a big transition!
When I got home and my hair started to dry, it was grey. I was really upset. I texted my stylist and told her that I really didn’t like the toner she had used. She responded that it would wash out and she couldn’t get me in before my next appointment in 5 weeks. After 10 years as my stylist, I was a little hurt by this.
Ultimately, I decided to look for a new stylist. And I washed my hair 5 times. I got a lot of the toner out but it just looked really bad and not like I had just spent $300 at the salon!
Due to some connections that my best friend had, I was able to get an appointment at another salon 2 weeks later. My new stylist had never transitioned anyone to grey but she was up to the challenge!
A Less Bumpy Road
She quickly came up with a plan. The idea was to leave the grey strands alone and highlight all of the individual brown strands. The majority of my hair (on top) was grey, with more brown strands closer to my neck.
Once all of the brown was gone, I would quite highlighting it and just tone it all grey until it completely grew out.
We continued doing this for an entire year until all of the brown had been converted to blond. I stopped highlighting my hair in July 2021. But she still toned it grey for about another year.
Once the highlighting had stopped, I kept getting regular haircuts until all I was left with was my natural silver hair. The last of the highlighted bits was cut out in March of 2023.
The Response
My transition experience has been fairly positive.
My family has been really supportive. Even in moments of doubt, they have encouraged me to keep going.
I am seeing more and more women of all ages embracing their grey hair and I find that so encouraging. I also think it’s been trendy to have silver hair over the past few years…maybe Game of Thrones helped set that one off.
From time to time I’ll get asked by another woman if this is my natural hair color or if it’s dyed. When I tell them that it’s natural, they often reply with something along the lines of “if my grey hair looked like yours I’d let it grow too”.
I want to reply that they’ll never know what it could look like if they don’t try. That I didn’t know what the final result of my journey was going to be.
But I don’t say anything like that. I know that the connections associated with our hair are very personal and that everyone’s journey is different. And just because I chose to let my hair go grey doesn’t mean that I think every woman should.
I have had a few people tell me that they liked my hair better when it was brown. I don’t think they mean it in a hurtful way. I’ve had a few people that I hadn’t seen in a few years not recognize me at first. But for the most part, nobody says anything about it anymore.
I mentioned above that my mom still colors her hair and I don’t think she’ll ever stop. She just started going to a hair stylist herself, after years of dying it at home. She facetimed me a few days ago to show me her new haircut and color and she was so excited. And I love that for her.
Was it worth it?
Yes! I no longer live my life worrying about my roots, because it’s all roots at this point!
I no longer go to the salon regularly. I make an appointment for a “trim” when my ends look a little unruly. I have one scheduled for September 7…the first one since March 28!
It’s currently just long enough to graze my shoulder blades. One of these days, it will be almost down to my butt and I’ll relish in going against the idea that you can’t have really long grey hair!
Occasionally, I have moments when I feel self conscious about my hair. In those moments, I’ve questioned if I made the right decision. In those moments, I consider dying it again.
But then I remember the time and money I spent getting here. I remember the freedom that I have now. I think about my daughter and what kind of message that would send to her.
Those feelings of self consciousness happen much less frequently now. Instead, I have been feeling more empowered, proud and dare I say, sexy (if men can be silver foxes, I think us women should be referring to ourselves as silver vixens)!
Final Thoughts
I have a 12 year old daughter. Today we were riding in the car and listening to “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift. She told me that her favorite part of the song is:
“And you were tossing me the car keys
‘Fuck the patriarchy’ keychain on the ground”
And I told her that was one of the reasons I decided to grow my grey hair out. To give a big middle finger to the patriarchy.
I want her to learn early that perfection doesn’t exist. That we don’t have to uphold the beauty standards that were put in place for us by our patriarchal society. That we can forge our own path and feel amazing doing it.
I want her to embrace any grey hair, even in her 20s if that happens, if she chooses to.
And if you’re reading this and have been thinking about growing out your grey hair, I want to tell you that it’ll be okay. The worst thing that can happen is you don’t like it and you can go back to dying it. But you might just love it too!
And if you’ve done something similar, I’m sending you a virtual high five, my silver sister!
This journey has been a pivotal one for me. It’s made me extremely uncomfortable at times but I’ve become more comfortable in my own skin because of it.
Silver sisters unite! similar story over here, but I've never looked back once I let my natural colour shine through. It's liberating!
You basically summed up all the reasons I decided to stop coloring my hair and go gray! 👩🏻🦳 Thank you for sharing your journey!