What'd she say about me? And why did I assume it was bad?

Other people's thoughts that we tell ourselves.

I interrupt my previously scheduled post on wardrobe staples, which has been rescheduled to next Saturday, because something happened yesterday morning and I really had to write about it. Welcome to my therapy session :)

I was meeting my friend for breakfast. I got there first so I went in to get a booth before it got too busy. It was already pretty packed and most of the booths were taken. As I waited at the hosting stand to be seated, I noticed two women sitting at the second booth on the right-hand side of the stand. One woman was looking at me and she said something to her friend, who then turned to look in my direction. It was not covert. I knew they were looking at me. I got the full up and down visual treatment from the friend.

But I averted my eyes before I could gauge if it was a positive or negative reaction. If I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t know if it was bad, so it couldn’t affect me.

All of the booths are along the same wall. There was one that was available. As the host walked me back to the booth, I held my head high and walked, with confidence (feigned), past the women and two other occupied booths before sliding into the security of my own booth.

Then I ruminated.

Just because I didn’t get a gauge on their reaction, that didn’t quiet my anxious mind - What did she say about me? Was it about my hair? Was it about my outfit?

These are a couple of my biggest insecurities when I’m out in public when it’s obvious that someone is staring at me and, I assume, silently judging me.

My hair and outfit that day. It was warm enough to go sans jacket from the car to the restaurant.

Was she saying that I was making myself look older because I don’t dye my hair?

Look, I genuinely love my hair! I love how low maintenance it is - I used to get it dyed once a month, but could have gone every 3 weeks if the budget allowed, and now I only go to the salon to get a trim every 3-4 months. It’s given me so much more freedom. I love how much money I save from not dying it. I love how shiny and healthy it is. I love how I’m setting a positive aging example for my children.

The response from strangers about my hair has been overwhelmingly positive, but that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to the silent judgement (or perceived judgement) from people who stare a little too long - it’s usually women around my age (40s) who do this!

And while the tide is changing and more and more women of all ages are embracing their “silvers”, it still goes against the societal pressure for women to look “young” and this does play in the back of my head and affect my confidence sometimes.

Was she saying that my outfit was stupid? Should I have worn boots instead of sneakers? Was the cami a mistake?

Where I live, there are some people who will judge you if you don’t wear Lululemon everyday, or the alternative “mom outfit”: a sweater, jeans and booties/sneakers. Daring to dress differently or having any sense of individuality is not exactly applauded.

And I genuinely love the outfits I wear and I’m proud to say that most of my items are preloved. But again, that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to their silent judgement (or perceived judgement), even if I walked into that restaurant feeling like a million bucks (such a weird saying!).

Here’s an outfit that I wore on 10/9/24 that got me a blatant up and down from a different lady with a little laugh at the end - oh how easy it is to remember the negative interactions. But I felt fabulous in my vintage silk blouse and dress that I made! Keep wearing what you want ladies!

After a couple of minutes of these negative thoughts swirling around in my head, and my first few sips of coffee, I decided to turn it all around.

When I got dressed this morning, albeit rushed, I loved the outfit that I came up with. Even if she said something negative about it, that doesn’t change the fact that I loved it!

I would never go back to dying my hair even if she did say something negative about it, so why would I even care what she thought?

Maybe I was just assuming the worst about the situation.

What if she was saying “there’s (one of my kid’s names) mom”?

What if she was telling her friend that she loved my hair? That she’d been thinking about doing the same but she was afraid of what people would think?

What if she was telling her friend that she loved my outfit? She has been looking for a pair of silver sneakers like mine?

Then my friend walked in and I completely forgot about those two women. I got to enjoy a great breakfast with someone who never judges anything about me and always makes me feel like a million bucks!

And you know what, I’ll never know what she said, or thought. And it really doesn’t matter. Because at the end of the day, the only opinion that matters about what I choose to do or wear, is mine!

And the more that I keep telling myself that, the truer it’ll become!

But, if you are that woman from the restaurant, and you were silently judging me, thanks for giving me a great topic to write about because women silently judging women happens all the time and maybe someone else will read this and not feel alone today.

Thanks for reading! xx Gillian