When you want to declutter but your partner is resistant.

Or maybe it's some other loved one in your life.

Photo by Michal Balog on Unsplash

As a follow-up to last week’s newsletter, where I shared how to declutter so that you don’t regret it, I wanted to share some ideas if it’s a loved one who is resistant to decluttering. This idea came after talking to a family friend who has a partner that has a hard time letting go of things, and these are my more organized thoughts on the subject.

While the information in this newsletter can apply to any loved one, I am using a partner as the example, as this is the relationship that I hear about most often.

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Different people have different comfort levels when it comes to stuff.

Some people love to get rid of things. And some people don’t. Or some people are at the point where they feel overwhelmed by the stuff they own and want to get rid of their stuff, while their partner doesn’t.

Neither person is more superior in their thinking than the other, but the contrast in a couple’s feelings around stuff can add an element of tension to a relationship.

Why is decluttering so hard for a lot of people?

We’ve been told all our lives that we should buy, buy, buy. We’re constantly made to feel like the things we already own aren’t good enough and our lives could be so much better if we just had that one thing that we keep seeing in tv ads or all over social media.

The cycle of BUY - REALIZE the thing is not life-changing - FIND a new “life-changing” thing - BUY is so ingrained in us that it’s hard to stop.

And then we are left with a mountain of stuff. Stuff that we spent our hard-earned money on and because of that, we hold onto these items that we continue to accumulate but that don’t add the value to our lives that we had hoped.

This phenomenon is called the “sunk cost fallacy”, which is defined as:

the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

- Google Dictionary

So, a person buys an object and never uses it. Instead, it sits in the back of their closet, cupboard, or the garage, simply because the person has invested their resources into it.

The important thing to realize in these instances is that the money is long gone, and by continuing to hold onto these items, we continue to spend on them in the form of our time to care for and maintain them. And in some cases, we spend even more money on them if we need to use off-site storage to store them.

But knowing what to do with the things that we own is so nuanced. In addition to the sunk-cost fallacy, we generally tie a lot of emotion and sentimentality to things, especially if we can recall a specific memory of a time when we used that thing.

Another area that is hard for a lot of people are the things that have been passed down by parents or family members that they feel they now need to be stewards of, or items that were gifts from friends or family.

If this cycle is so ingrained, and we hold onto things because of the sunk-cost fallacy, our emotions and family history, how do we move past these blocks, or help someone else move past these blocks, so that getting rid of stuff is easier?

So, how does one navigate a partner’s affinity and affection for stuff?

1 - Lead by example. Work on your own clutter. Let your partner see you removing items and allow them to experience the secondhand peace that comes with owning less stuff.

Once they feel ready to tackle their own clutter, set up a hierarchy. At the bottom, list the areas and types of things that would be the easiest for the person to part with. Next, list the items/things that would be more difficult for the person to go through. At the top of the hierarchy are the things that are the most distressing for them to consider letting go of. Keep this hierarchy with you for reference as you go through each area.

2 - Take it slowly. Once you’ve developed a hierarchy, have your partner choose one area/room to tackle. Again, preferably an area where the emotional burden on the person is the lowest. Maybe the office vs. the storage locker where family heirlooms are located. Tackle that area/room first.

Set an amount of time to work on it. If the person has a lot of anxiety, set a time limit, such as 15 or 30 minutes. As they get more comfortable with the process, and less anxious about it, increase the amount of time in half hour or hourly increments.

When choosing what to get rid of, let the decision be theirs. Forcing someone to get rid of something when they’re not ready can lead to resentment.

3 - Ask questions. Have a set of questions to address as you are going through items with them. Ask them to be completely honest about their answers. Accept their answers, even if it’s not something you agree with. Remember that this is their journey and it will take time.

Here are a list of questions that I use. Feel free to use these, add to them, or come up with your own:

1. Do you regularly use this item? For clothing, did you wear it during the last season-specific period (i.e., did you wear this winter jacket during the previous winter? Did you wear these sandals during the last summer season?)

2. Do you display it and look at it everyday?

3. What is your block that prevents you from getting rid of this thing that you don’t use or display? Is it because you spent money on it? Was it a gift? Is it a family heirloom?

4. Would you spend money today to replace this item that you bought or were gifted?

5. For family heirlooms, can you give it to a family member/friend who would truly want and appreciate it? If you have someone in mind, text them a picture and ask them if they would like to have it. That way you’re not contributing to clutter in their home because owing something that you don’t want is clutter. If no one else wants it, why are you holding on to it so tightly? Most people pass on their items to loved ones because they want to pass on the memories that they have of the item (“my grandmother gave this to me when I got married”) but the story is the memory, while the item is simply the trigger for the memory. Refer to steps 4-6 for next steps in this case.

Please use the following “Decluttering Decision Tree” to help you in the decluttering process!

4 - Use a memory box/drawer. This box will be used to house the person’s most prized possessions. Agree on a box size that the person is comfortable with. Have them agree to the limits of this box - once the box is full and they want to add anything else to it, they have to weigh it against everything in the box to make room for it. If they don’t love it more than anything that is already in the box, let it go.

5 - Take pictures. Sometimes people just want to look at the items that they own to invoke a nostalgic feeling or a memory. For items that don’t fit in the memory box that they are willing to part with, take a photo of the item and start an online photo album on their phone (you are able to write a caption for the photo on an iPhone which you can find under “i” at the bottom of the photo), or a document where they can write some notes about the item in the photo. Then they can go back through the photos and look at the item, recalling the nostalgic feelings and memories while no longer needing to own the item.

6 - Use a maybe box. Fill the box with items that they “might” be able to part with. Make an agreement that whatever is in the box by a certain date will be donated, without looking through it on that date. Mark the date on the box, or put it in a calendar.

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What do you do with the things they have chosen to let go of?

1. Reach out to family, friends or neighbors to see if they would like any of the items. Categorize smaller items and text them out or have them drop by to look through things.

2. Donate it to a local charity that could sell it and get money to help people in your community.

3. For books, check if your local library is accepting donations.

4. Check with your local homeless shelter or woman’s shelter to see if they are in need of anything you’re getting rid of.

5. Have a garage sale or sell it online yourself (i.e., eBay). Be careful here because holding on to something to sell can just be another way to keep items. Set a dollar value that you would need in order to make selling the item worth the time it will take for you to sell it. Is it $5, $10, $20, $50, etc. For each item, does it reach that threshold? For example, if your threshold is $10, ask yourself if you would buy a particular item for $10 at someone else’s garage sale. It’s important to look at it as someone else’s because this is how people will look at your item. They are more emotionally attached to the $10 bill in their pocket than they are to the item you are selling for $10.

6. Local consignment shops may be another option if you want to get a little money for the things you are getting rid of.

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Repeat this process as much as you need to, either for yourself or them. Depending on the amount of stuff, you may need a lot of passes and it may take a lot of time. But remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s unrealistic to think this can be done in a week. It took years to accumulate this stuff and to form strong emotional attachments to it. It’ll take time to process the emotional attachments and to be okay with letting the items go.

As encouragement, take progress photos or have your partner do it themselves, as you might do with any big life journey. Sometimes it’s helpful for them to see where they started to realize how far they’ve come.

Be patient. Everyone’s decluttering journey is different.

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Did you enjoy this Newletter and/or find the content useful? If you did, I would be so grateful if you could share this with any loved ones that you think would enjoy or use it.

You can also help me spread the word that “we don’t need more, we need to want less” by sharing it on your social media.